A Blog for Father's When a Baby Dies

What about the boss?

2011-12-04T10:38:00.001-06:00

Someone posted this morning a question about whether to get their boss something to acknowledge his loss after the stillbirthof his child. Co-workers were telling her it was inappropriate, but she wanted to hear from people who have "been there". (The post appears under the heading of "It's the small things that count") Below is my response to her, but I am wondering what others think? Thanks

I always want to stress that everyone is different in how they react to their grief, so what I am saying is how I felt/feel, but obviously I am not your boss.

My gut reaction to your question is that your co-workers are well intentioned, but I would not agree with them. One of the things I hear repeatedly from fathers is stories about going back to work and having everyone act like nothing happened. Not only does no one ask how they are doing, some people avoid them because of their discomfort with the situation, and sometimes rooms even go silent when they walk into a meeting or the lunch room.

I personally think that the real question is WHAT you might get him to acknowledge that you are thinking about him. I own my own company and my employees were wonderful about supporting me. One person even came to the house to visit, and I remember how thoughtful that gesture was and how much it meant to both my wife and I. The others in the office did not buy anything other than a card, but again the gesture meant the world to me and certainly let my wife know they were thinking of her as well.

Depending on a lot of different factors, including what your relationship is normally like with your boss, I would definitely say a card would be appropriate -- and I hope that others in the company may have done something similar. Also, most moms AND dads I know wish that people would use the baby's name when speaking to them about their loss, since one of the biggest fears as a parent is that everyone will forget your child ever existed or that they were not "real" to others-- or at least mattered. So a personalized inexpensive gift with the baby's name would be very nice, in my opinion.

Finally, I would say in the card (or the card that accompanies the gift) that you were not sure what you should do to acknowledge his loss, but that you felt terrible and just really wanted to do something... basically the same thing you said in your post. Honest expressions of feelings are what most of us want or wanted at the time... your boss may be the guy who runs the company, but he is a human being with the same feelings and emotions that others experience.

National Support Organizations

2011-11-10T09:53:00.000-06:00

Often times families in the midst of early grief do not realize that there are national support organizations that deal with very specific genetic or fetal anamoly issues. If you know of organizations that were helpful to you or someone you know, please share some here. For example:

http://www.trisomy18.org/site/PageServer
http://www.marchofdimes.com/mission/prematurity.html
http://www.cjsids.org/
http://www.ndss.org/
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html

Sometimes it's the small things that count

2011-10-14T13:06:00.000-05:00

In the last couple of days, this blog has seen new posts from fathers who have pointed to either another person's comment or a poem that has helped them feel not so alone. When you express your feelings -- whether it be as a comment or in the form of poetry -- your words undoubtedly not only help relieve some of your own stress, but touch others you will never know about. Thank you to all who have done that here and I hope you will share with others what has helped you most in making it through your grief.

"It just takes time...."

2011-03-04T12:58:00.000-06:00

I was on the Compassionate Friends Facebook page and noticed that someone had posted a question/comment about "time healing all wounds." The reaction from other parents was pretty strong, and quite universal in expressing that time indeed does NOT heal all wounds. I would agree, but I must admit that I will sometimes say to newly bereaved parents that, in time and with hard work, things will likely start to look different for them and that some of the sadness and pain will give way to more positive memories. Does that mean I am suggesting that all their wounds will be healed and they will no longer hurt? It certainly is not what I am trying to say, although I'm guessing some people might interpret it that way.

For me, the question really comes down to, what is healing vs. accepting the new reality? Acceptance, in my book, does not necessarily mean healing, but rather coming to a point where a bereaved person realizes that no amount of sadness, anger, or hopelessness is going to make things different and the process of grieving allows them to start moving forward again.

In other words, it is not TIME itself that helps, but rather what you DO WITH THE TIME. If you curl up in a ball, pull the shades, and let your sadness take over, no days, weeks, or months off the calendar are going help make you feel better. But if you use that grieving time to reflect and express your sadness and anger in a healthy way so the pressure does not become unbearable, life can become worth living again.

Believe me, it is not that I don't understand that sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming it seems completely impossible to ever think of being happy again. But, I also don't believe that we are dishonoring our children and the love we feel for them by allowing ourselves to smile, be happy, and feel hope.

How do you feel about this? What have you done to find some peace -- or haven't you?

The subsequent child

2011-02-18T10:03:00.000-06:00

I have previously written about the subsequent pregnancy my wife and I experienced after Kathleen died. For me, it was a very stressful 9 months filled with building protective walls in order to prevent myself from being hurt if something bad happened again. For Monica, it was a time that she let herself cherish because she had lost her innocense and understood it was possible that those months inutero were the only ones she might have with our baby.

In both cases, we were greatly influenced by our previous loss -- even though how we dealt with it was very different.

After our son was born, ironically, I was better able to let go of my stress and relax a little, while Monica got more nervous that something might happen to him during infancy. I think she was a little more protective than she might have been and her bond with him was very strong.

I would be curious to hear how others felt about that experience and how you think your loss has impacted the relationship with your subsquent child both short and long term. I have had some parents tell me that they had a more difficult time bonding with the subsequent baby because they still felt such tremendous pain for their child that died. Others have shared that they cherished all their children so much more because they realized how fragile life can be.

Any thoughts?

Easier to share information

2011-01-30T10:13:00.000-06:00

This is nothing revolutionary (except if you're old like me), but note that at the end of postings on the blog, there are icons for email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. If you find a comment or posting you want to share with others, just click on the icon and pass it on in whatever "newfangled" way you have of communicating with your friends.

Are You A "Mr. Fix-it?"

2011-01-25T11:39:00.000-06:00

For a lot of men (me not included) being able to fix things around the house is an important achievement. Not only does it save money, it also provides a sense of control and accomplishment. While I am far from a handy kind of guy, I must admit that on those rare occasions when I actually do fix something, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Even though I might not be the typical Mr. Fix-it, I definitely took on that role when Kathleen died. Whenever my wife, Monica, opened up to me about her sadness, I felt compelled to provide her with solutions for her sadness. It was not until much later that I learned she was not looking to be fixed -- she just wanted me to listen.

Do any of you find yourselves trying to fix your partner's sadness? Do any of you feel like your partner is trying to fix you? Have you been able to deal effectively with the issue, or is it still a source of tension?

A poem for fathers

2011-01-13T11:20:00.000-06:00

I was asked by a dad to share this poem he came across. If anyone knows the author, please let me know so I can give them credit.

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

The gift of forgiveness

2011-01-08T13:17:00.000-06:00

It is rare that I am home watching TV on a Friday night (we are firm believers in trying to kick off the weekend with a diversion), but last night I found myself watching Dateline for the first time in a year. The program was depressing, but I was caught up in the report within minutes. It was about a man and woman (brother and sister) who, as teenagers in 1979, were the victims of a home invasion. Their father was a prominent Oklahoma minister and he and their mother were both senselessly murdered in the random attack. The children both survived, although they were critically wounded. The Dateline report was about this man's and woman's journeys since that horrible event -- the agony of the murderers' trials and multiple court appeals, the failed relationships they experienced, and how they eventually began to heal and were able to move forward. While the experience will obviously impact them the rest of their lives, the real focus of the story became the young man's ability to forgive the person who pulled the trigger that horrendous night. A lot of the questions to him centered around, "how could you possibly forgive someone who did that?"

What struck me in all the questions and answers about forgiveness was that no one ever mentioned that forgiveness does not mean condoning the hurtful action that occurred. When I was trained by the Grief Recovery Institute as a group facilitator, that point was one that hit me hard. I had never thought of it that way. The Institute's philosophy is that forgiveness really means, "I am not going to let this hurt me anymore." By looking at it that way, it gives at least a minuscule piece of responsibility (and control) to the person who feels they have been wronged. It becomes their decision as to how they want to move forward.

I was very angry at a certain individual caregiver who failed us when Kathleen died. I could not have been convinced at the time that there was any way I could forgive him. When I started to look at forgiveness as setting myself free rather than letting him totally off the hook, I was better able to let go and move on.

If you find yourself angry and unable to forgive someone, I hope that you give this some thought, because you might find that it is helpful. No one deserves to live their life filled with anger, and I certainly believe that Kathleen would not have wanted her death to result in that for me.

Grief and social media

2011-01-04T17:28:00.000-06:00

It seems that social media is affecting nearly everything these days, including how we grieve. We recently started a Facebook page for A Place To Remember and it's a daily challenge to know what kinds of things to post -- what is helpful? what is too much? what is just plain silly? There is no doubt that it is a changing world technologically and even less doubt that it will continue at a rapid pace.

If you are willing, let me know what you think works and what does not work as far as providing the best avenues for communicating about your grief. Whether it is how I (and you ) use this blog, a Facebook page, Twitter, or some other new fangled "app" that I likely have not even heard of yet, I would like to know what you think!

It's 2011, and what better time is there to start acting like I know what is going on with all this stuff! Thanks!!

New Empathy for Grandparents

2010-12-23T11:07:00.000-06:00

Often it's hard to fully appreciate what a person is going through until you find yourself experiencing something similar.

When Monica and I were dealing with various pregnancy complications during the childbearing years, I was so focused on my own stress that I did not give a great deal of thought to what that must have been like for my parents. Now that my daughter, Emily, is pregnant with her third child and experiencing the complications of preterm labor at 22 weeks, I am gaining a new understanding.

Personally, Monica and I dealt with the loss of Emily's twin, Kathleen's stillbirth, a molar pregnancy, an early miscarriage, and an abysmal prenatal diagnosis, but never had problems with preterm labor. We had a loss between each of our 4 living children, and our youngest daughter, Maggie, was the one where prenatal testing suggested she would not survive after birth. In that case, we got lucky and she was fine.

In part because we live in Minnesota and Emily and her family live in Arizona, Monica and I find ourselves worrying about what is going on or might happen, and feel guilty that we can't be there to help out. Every time their phone number pops up on my cell phone, my heart races a little and I have to swallow hard before I answer. On the couple of occasions that it was Emily or Bryant calling to say they were heading to the hospital to be checked, I find myself going into "Mr. Positive" mode, assuring them that probably everything is fine, but it's always good to go in to the doctor or hospital if they are worried. My parents often played that role with us, and I guess in part that is why I did not really think those times were all that difficult for them. To be honest, I just didn't think a lot about it.

So, if you find yourself frustrated with your parents fretting or irritated with their erratic behavior, take a minute to think about what this experience is like for them. I can vouch for the fact that it's very difficult seeing your own kids stressed and scared, knowing there is not a alot you can do to help!

"They Were Still Born" - NEW BOOK

2010-12-07T10:45:00.000-06:00

They Were Still Born, By Janel Atlas: I was pleased to be asked to contribute a chapter to this new book, which is a compilation of personal reflections on stillbirth. It's a beautiful book filled with a variety of perspectives from those who have lived through this tragedy. Available from Amazon.

Living through the holidays

2010-12-06T15:27:00.000-06:00

At a time of year when we all feel like we should be happy, light, grateful, and giving, it can be overwhelming to feel sad, angry, and less than generous. Anyone can experience these emotions, but when you are facing the holidays for the first time after a significant loss, the feelings can be downright daunting.

I have written about the holidays before on here and don't want to repeat what you can already find on this blog, but I do want you newly bereaved parents to know that there are people out here who understand at least some of what you are experiencing, and I hope you will reach out for help if you feel the need. For those of you who have already lived through the first year or two after the death of your baby, one of the greatest gifts you can give this holiday season is to offer your own story of hope and survival. Experts can write about this stuff until they are blue in the face (and what they have to say is very valuable) but often bereaved parents want to hear directly from other bereaved parents. They want to know of someone who can relate to them on that very personal level of having been there. They simply want to hear words of understanding from those who have walked this path.

It's been many years since Kathleen died on that beautiful late September afternoon, but in all the Christmas seasons we have lived through since then, I have not been able to avoid a one where at some point it strikes me how hopelessly sad I was that first year. For me, that memory most often hits me when we are sitting in church on Christmas Eve, listening to music and seeing all the little kids barely able to contain their excitement as they bounce up and down in their Christmas outfits. I love that part of the holiday, but I recall all too well how guilty I felt for feeling anger when I witnessed that for the first time after Kathleen was born. The pain of knowing she would never be one of those kids, nearly tore me apart.

Today, I once again find joy in that vision and comfort in the belief that our child is safe and happy. While that has worked for me, each of you must find your own peace in your own timeframe. Allow yourself to feel your sadness, but do not ever give up hope that your life can be happy again. I firmly believe your baby would not want any less for you.

NOTE: Here are links to some resources that might be helpful (copy and paste link in your browser):
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/pdshop/shop/item.aspx?itemid=51
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/pdshop/shop/item.aspx?itemid=104
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/pdshop/shop/item.aspx?itemid=112

Caregivers make a difference.....

2010-09-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

I am speaking to a caregiver conference in Delaware the end of October and need your input. If you could share with me stories about caregivers who made a difference in your grieving (good and bad) I would like to incorporate some of those stories into my talk.

I have been on both sides of this fence and am quite passionate about the impact good (and not-so-good) caregivers can have on families. What do you think?

It's Fall -- here we go again?

2010-09-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

I think about "grief triggers" every year at this time because Kathleen died on September 27. The combination of that date along with the beginning of the Fall season always brings both Monica and I down a little. This year there are the added factors of my Dad's death in June and the fact that our youngest child went off to college Labor Day weekend. For the first time in nearly 29 years, we are without kids in the house! (don't do the math)

So, what do you do when you think time has passed, you are doing quite well with your sadness, and then something comes along that makes you feel like you just took a giant step backward?

First of all, I think you need to be able to recognize what is happening. Even after all these years, when Monica and I get a little sad around the time school is starting, I still fail to catch on right away as to what might be adding to that sadness. I guess it seems like it shouldn't be happening any more.

Once you recognize what might be triggering your sadness, the next step is to acknowledge it and know that it's ok to feel that way. It does not mean that you are starting over in your grieving and all the progress you have made is going down the drain. It certainly does not mean that you are losing your mind. But, it also doesn't mean that it's the last time it will ever happen.

I have come to realize that these moments are not only gifts because they make me pause and reflect, they also continue to teach me something.

When Kathleen died, our priest let us down in ways that were nearly unforgiveable, and I have never since set foot inside the church we were members of at that time. Even though we made the move to the suburbs years ago and no longer live near that building, it's not far from my office. Over theyears I have tried to avoid it when I drive down the beautiful street it is located on. This summer, due to road construction, I had to alter my route to work and drove by the church every day. To add to my dilemma, there is a stoplight right in front and I often find myself sitting at that intersection longer than I wish. At first, I did not turn my head. Soon I was glancing that direction but not letting myself really think about it. But then, as the weeks went by, I started letting myself feel my anger and soon realized that it was time to let go of it. Not only is that priest long gone from the parish, I realized how silly it was to not let myself see the beauty of that massive building and recall the positive things that happened when we were members. I had to ask myself who I was really hurting?

I guess my point is that if we remain open to letting ourselves both recognize our grief as well as acknowledge it, there is still room to both grow and heal.

Newly Bereaved Dad

2010-07-20T16:08:00.001-05:00

I just lost my baby girls on July 16th. the were born at 19 weeks. I am not sure how to handle everything. I kinda feel like i have no one to talk to.

How can a grandparent help?

2010-06-10T14:21:00.001-05:00

I recently received a posting from a grandparent asking how they can best help their son/daughter with their grief? Grandparents are in a very difficult position as they face their own unique grief while at the same time wanting to support their children.

We have several very good resources at www.APlaceToRemember.com for grandparetns, but I think the best suggestions would come from the parents who have gone through this experience. If you are willing, share what helped and what didn't help that your parents did or did not do. I have no doubt that many people will be touched by your comments and hopefully families will have a better experience because of what you have to say.

Thanks

A different kind of loss...

2010-06-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

To get to my age and have both my parents still living is a gift I never took for granted. But it was not until my Dad's death last week that the true impact of my good fortune really hit home. I have spent a good deal of my adulthood talking about the death of my daughter and the loss of my future that event represented to me, but I am now feeling what many others have felt before me -- a sense of losing my past.

I believe it is wrong to compare losses or try to debate which one is "worse," so I won't even go there. Pain is pain, and when you are hurting, it doesn't matter what the cause is, it hurts. It also doesn't matter whether someone has felt a similar pain before you or how many blessings the life that is lost may have brought you. During those moments of grief, it hurts bad.

To be honest, I thought I was somewhat prepared for this loss, and to a degree maybe I was. A parent's death fits more into the scheme of how life evolves so I guess that from that standpoint it was something I knew would likely happen at some point. What I did not anticipate is the emptiness that comes from knowing that someone you have counted on your whole life is no longer a phone call away. My Dad's death came after a brief illness, but we did know the last week of his life that he was dying, so we had some time to bring closure. It was a treasured time that I did everything in my power to avoid, because I did not want to be confronted with having to say goodbye. Now that it's over and I can look back, I know it was the right thing for me to do and I'm glad the decision was not totally left to fate.

Rather than ramble on, I will just say that even after all my talking and preaching about the importance of "being there" and the lessons I tell others Kathleen's death taught me, I still did a lot of the same avoiding I did 25 years ago. I could even get real down on myself for that, but instead I am going to concentrate on the fact that, in the end, I stepped outside my comfort zone and did what I knew I would regret not doing. That feels good, and I have Kathleen to thank.

The lessons just keep on coming............

Facing Mother's Day & Father's Day with a pit in your stomach

2010-04-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone.

Tim

A dose of reality...

2010-03-02T09:00:00.000-06:00

When Kathleen was stillborn, Monica and I became very close in the initial hours surrounding the event. We leaned on each other in a way that we had never had to before and, at least for me, the realization that I could cry and lose control in front of her without feeling like a fool was a huge thing. I remember saying to her in the hospital, "together we can get through anything."

But the first jolt of reality hit only a day later when we got home. Monica came home from the hospital on our older daughter Emily's second birthday. Even though we were exhausted and emotionally drained, we wanted to move ahead with her family party and keep the atmosphere as normal as possible for Emily's sake.

The morning of the party, I got up early and took down the crib that we had set up for Kathleen. It was gut wrenching for me to walk by that room and see it, and it never occurred to me that Monica didn't feel the same way. And, to be honest, I wanted it put away before the party because I thought it would make some people uncomfortable. As shocking as it was for me at the time, I'm assuming that at least some of you reading this now will not be surprised that my thoughtful gesture didn't set too well with Monica. She was angry that I would not consult her before doing something like putting the crib away, and strongly resented the fact that she would not be able to take her time to go through Kathleen's room and put things away over time.

So -- the fact that we were going to have different needs and different ways of processing our grief hit both of us like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, it was not the last time we would have to face this reality, and it became a real challenge to move forward together rather than alone.

How have your experiences been? Have ways of handling situations worked well for you that would help others to hear about? Are you struggling with a similar issue that would be helpful to get others' feedback on?

Being able to reach out to others....

2010-02-20T14:56:00.000-06:00

One of the greatest gifts I got from Kathleen's life was the feeling that I was better able to understand other people's pain -- especially when it involved the loss of a child. There is something about being a member of this "club" that provides a bond with others who have shared at least a similar experience. While I would give anything to not be part of it, I have to admit that my life seems a lot richer for having met so many wonderful people ... people that I got to know only because we shared the loss of a baby.

I know that especially for those whose loss is more recent, the thought of having the energy or even desire to be pillar of strength for someone else is not high on your list of things to do. But I hope you will consider how much the understanding and compassion you can offer others with similar stories means to them.

For those of you who have been a part of a support group, you probably can better understand what I'm saying. Sometimes just being in the same room with other bereaved moms and dads can help with the loneliness and feelings of hopelessness. While there will be a time when you know it's right for you to move on from that group, you will have likely gained a lot of strength from the stories you heard, the outlooks on life you witnessed, and the wisdom that was shared.

Almost 20 years after Kathleen's stillbirth, my nephew and his wife experienced the full term stillbirth of their daughter, Lillie. The circumstances were eerily similar and there was no doubt that it was difficult to have so many painful feelings brought to the surface once again. But ... I honestly believe that they received the outpouring of support they did because of the things we, and our entire family, learned from Kathleen's death. The bond that we now share with them is one that no one else can completely understand, and that makes it incredibly special.

Have you found yourselves relating to others in a way you would not have prior to your loss? Does it make you angry that you know how they feel, or does it feel good to know you are there for them?

Share Your Dreams

2010-02-15T14:23:00.000-06:00

This is one of those posts where I know I might not get any responses, but I'm going to write it anyway.

Do you remember what you thought, felt, dreamed of, when you first found out you were going to be a dad? When first hearing the news, whether it's our first child or fourth, many of us picture ourselves fathering the expected baby. It might be envisioning yourself pacing the living room in the middle of the night with a baby that won't stop crying. Maybe it's taking the child to their first matinee on a Saturday afternoon. Or, maybe it's anticipating the day they will leave for college and wondering how you will ever be able to afford it?

So, what happens when those dreams are shattered? The dreams certainly change, but do they go away? It seems like we not only get robbed of being able to live those dreams, many of us never even get the chance to share them with anyone. Being guys, we sometimes think that to do that would somehow be strange

So, if you like, I hope you will use this blog to tell us what you felt and what you imagined your life would be like with this child. I think it will be good for all of us to know we weren't alone in having dreams, and hopefully it will feel good to have a place to let the world know what they were.

Any takers?

Grief and Technology

2010-02-06T08:58:00.000-06:00

I am curious as to whether many of you have an opinion about the most effective ways to receive long-range grief support in today's high tech society?

Obviously nothing can replace the hug or face to face meetings one gets from family and friends. But for those who don't feel that support or live in a smaller community where support groups may not be readily available, what has worked for you? What hasn't? What would you like to see offered?

The internet opens new worlds for all of us every day. Blogs, web sites, chat groups, online memorials, are all becoming more plentiful and I know many wonderful people who invest hours and hours of effort into their outreach to others via these outlets. But, what is missing? What do you find is not as helpful as you hoped it would be?

The company I co-own, A Place To Remember, is always looking for the most effective ways to reach families at the time they need it. That's not easy, since none of us put losing a child on our list of short or long range plans. And certainly, when in the midst of shock and extreme sadness, having to search for help can feel overwhelming. Sadly, every day we hear from people who have stumbled upon a resource they think is wonderful, but they wish it had been available (or they were aware of it) at the time they needed it most.

The high tech world and grief don't always seem to feel like they should go together, but in fact they do. We just need to figure out the most effective way to harness the best of what is available.

Any thoughts?

Please visit "www.playroomofhope.com"

2010-01-10T10:48:00.000-06:00

Matt Wallace recently posted on this blog and mentioned a project that he and his family are working on in memory of their daughter, Nevaeh. She was a beautiful little girl that brought much joy to their lives and Matt and his wife Jamie are trying to build a playroom in her memory at the Children's Hospital of Wisconsin where she was cared for. Spread the word and hopefully we can help them "move that mountain."

Because this hospital is located in Wisconsin, it reminds me of another great place for grieving families that is also located in that beautiful state. If you haven't heard of Faith's Lodge, go to http://faithslodge.org and learn more about this wonderful retreat center that makes it very affordable for families to get away and replenish their hearts.

The holidays are over, it's January, and it's cold

2010-01-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

(at least in Minnesota)

So, how did everyone do over the holidays? Did you learn anything that might be helpful for those having to face a future holiday? Did any of the sage advice that was given out in this blog turn out to be hogwash (at least for you)?

While it's still fresh in your mind, I would appreciate you sharing your thoughts, successes, and disappointments.

While you're at it, how are you coping with the post-holiday crash? Relieved? Sad? If you live in a place like Minnesota, winter can be a beautiful time to enjoy the snow and cold. But because of the length of the season in a place like this, it can also feel daunting to know that it will be several months before you can easily enjoy the outdoors and longer days. Let us know how you are doing and if you have any plans to make this time as positive as possible.

A beautiful, yet difficult, time of year for many....

2009-12-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

Kathleen was born the end of September, so we were barely functioning by the time Christmas came upon us. I recall wanting to just hide until it was over, but because we had a two-year-old who was just realizing what Christmas was about, that was not an option. Obviously, we wanted to enjoy that time with Emily, but to say that our hearts were not in it like we wished they could be, would be an understatement.

To make matters worse, Christmas would also be the first time we saw many of our family members for the first time. While that was the result of making the choice not to have a memorial service that they could have attended, it nevertheless was a big stress.

I wish I could tell you that in the end it all went extremely well and that we had a wonderful time that holiday, but that would be a lie. Many of our interactions with family were strained, not because they didn't care, but because they did not know what to say or if they should say anything. I recall mentioning Kathleen's name in a conversation with my aunt, and she said, "who in the world is Kathleen?" Every time we were expected to sing a song in church about a Baby in a manger, or a star shining down in the East, I wanted to run and never look back. All in all, it was a nightmare that we survived. But, it was not the first nightmare we had experienced, so it all started to feel sort of like that is what our lives would be like from then on.

I'm happy to say that I was wrong. But you would not have convinced me of that at the time.

For those of you whose loss is recent, just know that you will make it through like so many of us have before you. But give yourselves the right to take care of yourselves and not be forced to do things to make someone else feel comfortable or put up a false front for the benefit of others. Your reality may be that this is going to be a tough Christmas -- and that's OK.

That being said, don't fall into the trap of thinking that you don't have the right to feel good, smile, and enjoy this season. While tears, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness are very normal emotions at a time like this, they are not the only ways to honor the memory of your baby.

Try and think of something that will help you get through the celebrations and chaos of the season. Going to a concert or attending a pageant may help you recall your own childhood and the joy and excitement you felt. Volunteering somewhere where you can feel like you are helping another child find happiness, can also feel good. Or, it might be something as simple as bringing a candle to your celebration, lighting it, and letting it shine throughout your day -- even if you are the only ones who know its significance. Sometimes sharing a poem or prayer before dinner, while sad, can help break the ice and let others know its ok to talk about your baby and that the tears are OK. Once that has been done, it often is a lot easier to relax and let yourself smile and laugh.

Whatever you decide to do or not do, know that each year the season will likely get easier. I can honestly say that now when I sit in church on Christmas Eve, look at that Baby in the manger, and think of that star shining down on the world -- I find a sense of calm in knowing that those things hold a little different significance for me than they do for many of those around me.

May we all find peace.

Maintaining Old Friendhips in the "New Normal"

2009-10-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

I received the following post from a dad who recently experienced a loss. He correctly suggested this topic should be a new thread.

I think it's an excellent question and one that I struggled with a lot. For some reason, it is also one I often forget to address, so I am grateful for how beautifully he articulated it. I will comment after I get it posted -- I hope you will too. Thanks everyone.

Tim

Hi Tim,
I'm new to the blog. Our daughter Selah was stillborn on September 22. I apologize for commenting off topic, but I'm wondering if you'd be interested in starting a thread about how to maintain friendships during the early stages of grief. More specifically, I'm finding that I'm surprised at the friends (who have been truly good friends to me in the past) either 1)avoiding me or 2) pretending nothing has happened because their wife sent a sympathy card in the mail, so let's all just get on with life. I really understand that the whole thing is awkward for friends who have never suffered this kind of loss, and I don't want to label (most of) them as just too shallow to handle real friendship...i.e. I want to maintain the friendships, but I feel that my ability to connect meaningfully with them anymore is severely hampered by their response (or non-response?) to my loss and grief. Obviously, if they're true friends, starting an honest conversation with them is going to be a good place to start. But the catch-22 is that right when I'm most needing the friendship, I don't have the emotional energy to be the one doing the reaching out...I don't feel like I have the energy to be in the "teaching" role (i.e. 'teaching' friends how to be good friends to me--or anyone--who has lost a baby). I'd love to hear yours and others' comments, suggestions, etc., regarding this.

Seasonal Mood Changes

2009-10-13T16:11:00.000-05:00

I am personally very affected by the changing seasons. Anyone who has ever lived in Minnesota definitely understands what changing seasons are (although the warm ones seem kind of short), and I find that shorter days and gloomy skies don't work well for me. Because our daughter's stillbirth occurred in September, it seems that Fall can be a particularly difficult time for both my wife and I. We chalk it up to Kathleen's death, but I sometimes wonder if that's really it. Especially since we have two living children who have birthdays two days either side of Kathleen's.

How about you? Any thoughts? Have you come up with any ideas that help to deal with it (besides suggesting I move to Arizona)?

Intimacy & Subsequent Pregnancy - When?

2009-09-04T09:44:00.000-05:00

Whenever I bring this topic up while speaking to a group, there are always a few red faces and eyes darting to the floor. Frankly, that's what makes it such an important point to discuss. Many of us find it hard to express our sexual needs, desires, fears, and insecurities under the best of circumstances. When you add grief to the mix, it can get really dicey and be a topic we simply want to avoid.

If you are lucky enough to be comfortable talking about this stuff to your partner, you are lucky, and probably will not see what the big deal is. But, if you find this difficult, it can be a real source of problems that can result in adding to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

So -- when is the right time to resume sexual relations? When is the right time to start trying to have another baby? What if one of you wants to try again but the other just isn't sure they want to?

Unfortunately, there are no black and white answers to any of these questions. Like everything, it depends on your situation -- physical condition, emotional state of mind, relationship, and numerous other factors. Often times people will hear that you should wait a minimum of six months to a year before trying again. Depending on the circumstances and timing of your loss, that makes total sense, and any decision about the physical and emotional risks of another pregnancy should first be discussed with your doctor.

Sometimes the tougher question can be when to resume being intimate? Again, physical considerations are part of that decision, but most of the time this decision "simply" requires communication between you and your partner about your feelings.... Come to think of it, maybe THAT'S why I recall avoiding this topic with my wife.

Seriously, while we definitely felt close emotionally in our need to be held and comforted -- especially when trying to sleep through the night -- neither of us mentioned how we were feeling about sex. When it got to the point that I was feeling like I wanted to, I wondered how I would deal with the guilt of having a moment of pleasure? Those feelings were compounded because I then wondered if it would affect my performance, and that REALLY made me insecure! But, once we were able to talk about it and I realized that we each had our own set of emotions surrounding that moment, we were able to relax and things just happened naturally.

As for another pregnancy, after discussing our situation with our doctor, he felt comfortable supporting us in trying again. Because it had taken us over two years to get pregnant the first time, we decided that we should go for it sooner than later since we were in agreement about wanting more children, if possible. Surprisingly, Monica got pregnant right away, and three months after Kathleen's death, we were expecting another baby. We were very happy, of course, but we had not stopped to think what our timing in starting to try could potentially mean. Our next child was actually due on Kathleen's birthday, and the feelings of deja vu were tremendously stressful for me. I found myself working hard to not get excited because the bliss of pregnancy was gone and it simply became a time to survive. Even all these years later, I have some regrets about what I missed out on during that time in terms of being able to feel the anticipation and excitement of expecting a child.

Keep in mind this is only MY experience. I can definitely tell you that Monica did not feel the same way and her version of this story would be very different from what I just shared.

I guess that really is the point. Don't think that any story you hear suddenly means you know how you're going to feel. These decisions are unique to you and very important to your relationship. No desire or fear is wrong and there is no reason to judge harshly either yourself or your partner. While you may not have previously ever had the need to discuss your sex life with your mate because you were on the same page, know that may not be the case right now. It certainly doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble, but you both should realize the importance of being open and understanding of one another.

I hope others of you will share how you dealt with these decisions and offer any insights you have. The beauty of the blog is that if your face gets red, none of us will ever be the wiser.

For Those Who Post On This Blog

2009-08-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

I keep forgetting to post this, but wanted you to know that there will often be a delay between when you write something for the blog and when it shows up. I have it set so that all posts have to be moderated by me. I know there are disadvantages to that, but on our A Place To Remember bulletin board, we have had some very disrespectful things written by people either wanting to challenge someone's actions/beliefs or attempting to be funny.

Posts do show up on my phone (most of the time) so I am usually aware of them fairly soon. I just don't want you to think what you wrote has been lost. Thanks!

Escaping

2009-08-11T11:43:00.000-05:00

How do you escape from your grief? We all know that it can be overwhelming at times and it's only natural to seek ways to get away from it. Some feel guilty for trying to take a break. Others run fast and try to never look back.

What positive things have you done to bring yourself some relief from your pain? What have you done that you know was not the healthiest way to go about it? Where is that middle ground where you achieve that much deserved relief, without having your behaviors be hurtful or damaging to your relationship?

Remember that you can be anonymous here and I can assure you there is little I haven't already heard or done myself. Thanks!

Regrets

2009-08-07T14:59:00.000-05:00

Following a crisis in our lives, it is not unusual to look back and wish we had done things differently. Maybe it was something that was said to a spouse or partner that was insensitive or misinterpreted. Maybe it was rushing the time that you were able to spend with your baby. Or, maybe it was making the choice not to take pictures and now wishing you had.

The bottom line is, all any of us can do when living in crisis is to simply make the best decisions possible at the time. When our world feels like it's crashing down around us, it only makes sense that the things we choose might not be the same as those we would under different circumstances. In the midst of deep grief, it's easy to get caught up in the regrets and think about them to the point of driving ourselves crazy. If our partner in any way seems to be holding those decisions against us, the situation is ripe for a lot of pain and misunderstanding.

I would like to know if any of you have experienced significant regrets and what you did to be able to move on. I can share some of my own experiences, but would like to hear from you first. Thanks!

Why us?

2009-07-21T08:30:00.000-05:00

There was a new post yesterday under the Self-Esteem heading on this blog. As the dad mentioned, he was not sure he was necessarily facing a self-esteem issue, but was more struggling with the question of "why us?".

I certainly experienced the same feeling when Kathleen died. How can something like this happen to two people who wanted a baby so much? How can it happen to two people who are good parents and want to share their love with a child? How can it happen to people who have a belief system and try to live their lives accordingly? The questions can go on and on. I just wish that with the wisdom I have gained in the last 25-years I could say I have an answer, but I don't. I think the closest thing to an answer I can come up with is that there is no answer.

However, I can assure you that you are likely going to hear all sorts of theories from people who are trying to make you feel better. Things like, "it was meant to be," and "God has a plan for all of us," "there must have been something wrong," or, "you just have to try again." Again, the comments will go on and on. Keep in mind that most of those people are simply trying to find the same answers you are and are sincerely attempting to be helpful.

The dad who wrote the post also made comments about being angry with others who had children. He even mentioned feeling a sense of shame for being the father of a child who died. But it was his last sentence that really touched me. He said, "It is a helplessness that seems to be cruelly designed to crush a man." I have never had anyone so eloquently describe exactly how I felt at the time of our loss...helplessness cruelly designed to crush me.

With the benefit of time and healing on my side, I can see now that the helplessness, anger, and envy are all part of what we refer to as grief. They are just some of the emotions held in the grief capsule, and when we can express them, we are taking steps toward healing. I know that is of little consolation when you are in pain, but I hope you can find some hope in that.

Thank you to each of you who make a contribution by reading or writing something on this blog, or others like it. You are touching people in countless ways.

Self-esteem

2009-06-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

Someone recently mentioned that they wished Sherokee Ilse and I had included a section on "self-esteem" in our recently published book, Couple Communication After A Baby Dies -- Differing Perspectives. While we do touch on the topic periodically throughout the book, we did not devote an entire section to it.

The person who brought this to our attention explained that they had some pretty serious self-esteem issues following their loss because they felt like they had failed. Obviously some women feel their bodies somehow failed their baby and men struggle with wondering why they were not better able to protect their family from devastation. I recall adding another dimension to that when I started to feel like a failure as a husband -- as well as father -- because there didn't seem to be anything I could do that would help Monica "move on".

Once someone starts to feel bad about themselves, it can spiral into showing itself in all sorts of ways, most of which are not healthy. It seems that when we are able to be totally logical, we can understand that we did not intentially do anything to hurt our baby, and there are simply some things in life that we are unable to control. Unfortunately, when we're extremely sad and depressed, logic does not come easily.

I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences with this issue. Nothing is more healing than knowing we're not alone and hearing how others coped.

Father's Day is Coming

2009-06-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

After losing a baby, Father's Day can be one of those days that you face with mixed emotions. No matter what your circumstances are or how many living children you might have, it often is a day to stop and wonder what might have been.

For those of you with recent losses, I can tell you that I believe this days does get easier over time. Not because you forget, but because you heal. Healing is obviously the ultimate goal for all of us, because anything short of that robs us of our ability to truly enjoy life and I don't think any of our children would want that for us. The thing to keep in mind, however, is that in order to heal, you must first allow yourselves to hurt. Too many times, men think that by stuffing their pain as deep in the recesses of their mind as they can, they will be able to "skip" the grief and the hurt. I'm here to tell you that it won't work. You may be able to kid yourself for months -- or even years -- but it will almost certainly come back to bite you at some point.

So, keep a couple things in mind.

First of all -- whether you have other living children or not -- you are a dad. Try not to ever deny yourself that honor.

Secondly, consider letting the people around you know what would make this Father's Day special for you. They can't read your mind and you likely are not necessarily coming off on the outside the same way you are feeling on the inside. Some of us have a real gift for that little quality!

Finally, please accept my congratulations on being a dad, and best wishes for making this day meaningful to you. Not only do you deserve it, but your children do as well.

A great weekend at Faith's Lodge

2009-05-19T15:44:00.001-05:00

I'm slowing at posting this because things have gotten kind of busy ... which is a good thing when you are a small business owner in a poor economy.

Sherokee Ilse and I lead a couple's retreat at Faith's Lodge in northern Wisconsin on Mother's Day weekend. It was a fantastic experience and once again reminded me of the many blessings Kathleen's life has brought me.

Being around young families who have had more recent losses is never easy, and it almost sounds strange to say we had a fun weekend ... but we did. There was much laughter and certainly a fair amount of crying, but the openness and sharing that took place is what meant the most to me. Hearing parents, men in particular, talk about how their lives have changed and their priorities rearranged since their loss, gives me hope that all the pain we have experienced has not been for nothing. It once again proves that it is possible to learn and grow from even the most horrendous experiences that life might toss at us.

Each of the couples at the retreat had a very unique story -- but those stories also shared a common thread. These moms and dads loved and wanted their babies and they will spend the rest of their lives remembering and honoring them, learning to incorporate their memory into their own present and future. I have no doubt that they will be successful in doing that, and their children will continue to touch countless people in the years to come.

If you are not aware of it already, check out Faith's Lodge, and consider spending some time there. It truly is a place of healing and hope.

A Father's Day Poem

2009-05-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

Sherokee Ilse, is a good friend and co-author of the Couple Communication book we just published. She and her husband, David, have been good friends of Monica and mine since shortly after our babies died. Our baby's lives brought us together and in the last 25 years we have shared many good, and some sad, times together. Sherokee just sent me this poem she recently wrote and asked me to share it. Here it is:

Who Remembers You?

Dad, supporting mom along the way
Waiting for the time and day
When you can hold your daughter or son
And you can finally be the one
To toss your babe above your head
And tuck him in his waiting bed
Make a toy or buy a drum
Your time was near, but did not come.

Who knew you would be standing nigh
And have to prematurely say goodbye?

This day is yours and yet it's not
The others don't see the many tears you fought
To hold within and look so strong
As you tried to do nothing wrong.

On this your special Father's Day
Remember your baby who would want to say,
"I love you Dad. You are the one.
I'll always be your daughter or son.
Feel my kiss upon your cheek
And know that someday I believe we'll meet.
Until then, let your tears come, (or not)
And love my mommy lots and lots."

S. Ilse 2009

Abuse has no excuse....

2009-05-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

Hey... I am a part of several infant loss discussion groups around the world, and one of the things that I have been hearing about is men who are having trouble dealing with their grief and are turning to some level of violence (emotional or physical) as they become more and more angry.

Few people understand anger, helplessness, and low self-esteem better than I do. If you are experiencing any of those feelings (or others), my heart goes out to you. But I think it's important that everyone remember that even during the most difficult times, we have choices. While we can't change what has already happened and need to remember that our baby's deaths were not because of a personal failure, we must take responsibility for how we move forward.

As time passes, if you find yourself getting more and more angry about your situation and feeling hopeless, know that lashing out at your partner or other children is not a viable option. Most likely the way you are acting is not normal for you and may even be hard for you to recognize.... but if ANYONE is saying that your behavior has become hurtful, listen to them and be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are coping. If you aren't willing to do that, you may find yourself alone. ASK YOURSELF -- Is that what you want? Is that what your baby would have wanted for you?

As difficult as it is, there are ways of letting off steam in a much more productive way.
At the very least, post a comment here or contact a friend or professional you trust.
Start taking steps to heal by allowing yourself to be honest,
Remember that you are not alone,
Know that you are not a terrible husband or father,
Understand that your pain is real and justified,
Realize that the choice to take positive steps is yours, and yours only

Finally, keep in mind that there are those of us who have gone down this road before you, and because of that, we want to be able to help in whatever way we can.

When you get "blindsided" by your grief

2009-04-28T08:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you can think you have "moved on" and dealt with your sadness but then, suddenly out of nowhere, something triggers your grief.

No... you aren't going crazy.

I remember the first time it happened to me was a few weeks after Kathleen's death. It was a beautiful day and I had run to the grocery store alone to pick up some things. It was a good day and I was feeling fine. When I turned down the diaper aisle, my sadness hit me out of the blue. I could barely move and knew that I was going to break down if I didn't escape. I left my cart full of groceries, walked out of the store, and went home feeling like I was losing my mind.

Come to find out, that was not a particularly unusual thing to have happen and it didn't happen again for a long time, partially I think because I was aware it might.

For a lot of men, their dreams for their child that died focuses much more on the future than it does the newborn stage. I was speaking at a conference with Sherokee Ilse once and we had couples in the room draw a picture as they envisioned themselves that day with the child they had lost. Most women drew pictures of themselves cradling and rocking their baby. Men, on the other hand, were much more likely to draw pictures of themselves playing ball, seeing their child in ballet slippers, or walking a bride down the aisle.

I have another story to share about an incident that occurred much later in life, but I'll write about that later.

How about it, guys? Anything to share that might help a dad in the future keep from feeling like they are going crazy? Thanks!

Going to a support group ....

2009-04-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

I resisted going to a support group. The thought of being in a room full of other sad people sounded depressing to me. I also was afraid that I would break down and cry -- which terrified me.

Monica and I didn't really argue, but we sure didn't agree as to whether we should go. Finally I agreed to go to one session, with the understanding that if I didn't like it, I wouldn't go back.

I was very nervous that first night, but relieved to see several other dads. Luckily for me, the man next to me spoke first about his loss and where he was at. As he spoke, he broke down and sobbed. He didn't even attempt to hold back. To my amazement, no one went running out the room, laughed at him, or in any way showed anything but sympathy and understanding toward him. That was a turning point for me, because I thought if he could do that, I wouldn't be afraid to. The support group became a place I looked forward to going -- not only because we made wonderful friends, but it was the one place I could let down and did not need to hold back. That man's tears were one of the greatest gifts I got at that time.

How about you? Did you go to a group? If so, how was it? If you didn't, do you regret it? Did your decision either way cause disagreements with your partner?

This is a big stumbling block for lots of guys. Let's give them some information to help them decide how they want to move forward. Thanks

Meaningful Keepsakes....

2009-04-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, someone asked me today what I thought father's would like for Father's Day as a remembrance of their child that died. Anyone have suggestions? Are there some of you who would rather not have that acknowledged? If so, maybe share why it would be hard. Thanks!

nice YouTube song

2009-04-20T17:28:00.001-05:00

Check out this song sent to me. It's entitled Smallest, Wingless, by Craig Cardiff.

You might have to cut and paste the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxcLm4ZA45E

Faith's Lodge Retreat Center

2009-04-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

I want to make sure you are aware of a beautiful retreat center in Northcentral Wisconsin. Faith's Lodge is a new facility specifically built for families who have a seriously ill child or who have had a child die. I attended the grand opening and can tell you that it's an absolutely gorgeous facility. The cost for staying at the lodge is extremely reasonable, but certain criteria must be met to go there. Below I have included some descriptive text from the Faith's Lodge web site as well as a link, so please check it out.

On May 8 and 9, 2009, Sherokee Ilse and I will be doing a program at the lodge for grieving couples. Sherokee and I recently published a book entitled "Couple Communication -- After a Baby Dies. Differing Perspectives," which addresses some of the issues we faced in our respective relationships with our spouses following our losses. During the workshop, we will be drawing on information from the book and hope to make the time at the retreat one of growing and healing for bereaved families. We hope you can join us.

Faith’s Lodge is a unique retreat for families who currently have a seriously ill child or have suffered the loss of a child. Located on 80 picturesque acres in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, Faith’s Lodge has eight individually designed guest suites that can each accommodate up to six people. Two suites adjoin to accommodate larger families and are handicapped accessible.

The mission of Faith's Lodge is to provide a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future.

In its Northwoods setting, Faith’s Lodge provides temporary respite for guests by offering them a peaceful escape to refresh their minds and spirits, while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing.

http://www.faithslodge.org/index.asp

Trying to control the uncontrollable.....

2009-04-01T23:21:00.000-05:00

Thinking back, I realize now that much of my behavior in the early hours after finding out that our daughter was dead, was the result of my need to stay in control. Throughout my life, I had come to believe that staying in control of situations and my life represented strength and the path to success.

I believed that staying focused on school work and doing my best would mean that I got into a good college, and eventually landed a job that made me good money and earned me the respect of my family and peers. To a large extent, I still believe that to be true. What I did not realize at the time, was that there were situations in life I could not control.

Even though I seemed to be living the American dream by doing well in school, graduating from a good college, starting my own business, marrying my high school sweetheart, buying a home, and starting a family after 5 years of marriage -- I could not stop my daughter from dying.

There was no preparing me for facing that reality. When I found out that our baby was dead, life as I knew it began to unravel. My first thought was that my "secrets" had finally caught up with me. Maybe the college partying had taken more of a toll than I realized. Maybe God was punishing me for thoughts that I had had or lies I had told.

When the guilt set in, I tried all that much harder to control what I could. I would not allow myself to cry -- therefore I avoided situations that might make me cry. I hurried along our time alone with Kathleen because I feared the longer I was with her, the harder it would be to say goodbye. I chose to let the hospital handle her remains, because I could not fathom going to her funeral. I didn't want to have a lot of family around at the hospital because I didn't want them to see me so vulnerable.

In other words, I was out of control. When the feelings of fear and sadness blended together, my behavior made it seem like I cared much less than I did. I think it's for this reason that I always point out to moms that they need to be careful not to judge their partner's feelings by their behavior. The old, "you can't judge a book by it's cover," adage rings real true in circumstances like these -- especially for men.

The really hard part is -- sometimes we don't even know why we are reacting the way we are. We are just following our instincts on a path we've never traveled before.

Make Decisions Together!

2009-03-28T09:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in the moment of chaos and hurt, men will attempt make decisions for their spouse/partner in an attempt to help protect them. I did this, and it ended up being a mistake.

When Kathleen was born in the early 1980s, people still had the option (in Minnesota, anyway) of choosing whether they wanted the hospital to handle the baby's body for burial through a funeral home they worked with or whether they wanted to do it themselves through a funeral home they hired themselves. Even though Kathleen was full term, I was not sure what was acceptable. All I knew was that I was overwhelmed with sadness, scared to death of having a funeral where I would either cry or no one would show up, and wanting to protect Monica from having to make that decision. I signed the papers the hospital social worker brought me giving consent to the hospital and never asked Monica about it.

This is just one of many stories I've heard where decisions get made for noble reasons, but it can end up causing problems down the road.

Talk to each other. Don't assume. Don't take the "easy" way in an attempt to avoid your sadness. Long term, you'll likely regret it.

Any other stories? Comments?

Ladies -- feel free to ask questions

2009-03-20T11:56:00.000-05:00

Even though this blog is intended to be a place for men to talk about how they're doing following the death of an infant, I want women to feel free to ask questions that might help them better understand their husband/partner. Sometimes just knowing that the reactions they are seeing are not necessarily unique, helps moms be able to be a little more patient and willing to approach their communication a little differently. I look forward to hearing from you.

What about the anger?

2009-03-10T11:13:00.000-05:00

It's pretty normal to be angry following a difficult loss like that of losing a child. The question becomes, what do we do with that anger? Where do we direct it? How do we express it in a healthy way? How do we determine when it's getting out of hand and becoming destructive?

This is an important issue, guys, and one that can be dangerous to marriages if not dealt with. This is an anonymous way to talk about it, so I hope to hear from you. Thanks...

Brings back memories....

2009-02-28T14:07:00.000-06:00

I co-lead a support group this past week at the hospital where Kathleen was born still 25-years ago. It's amazing how that pit in the stomach still recurs when I drive up to that building.

Being in a room with newly bereaved parents for a couple of hours is always bittersweet. I feel like I can give them hope just by being present so many years after our loss and showing them that life does go on and, while the emptiness never goes away, it does become more tolerable.

But, my heart breaks when I see couples questioning their relationship because of the differences they're experiencing as they move through their intense grief ... wondering if they should have another child, wondering whether their spouse is really hurting or simply moving on, trying to find the words to help begin the sometimes slow and painful process of learning to communicate and share their sadness rather than trying to make it disappear. I want so badly to just give them a road map that they can follow to get through this period intact. Knowing that they have to discover that on their own is a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who just wants to take control and make it better.

If you read this, and are at a point similar to these newly bereaved parents, I hope you will bring yourself to share some of your hopes and fears on this site. I have little doubt that by being there for one another, your relationships can not only survive -- but actually thrive.

It may require stepping outside of your comfort zone -- but you must ask yourself whether one loss really needs to result in more losses. I say it doesn't.

Let me know what helps...

2009-02-21T10:16:00.000-06:00

Since starting this blog, I've had some discussions with other dads about what they might find helpful in an online support resource like this blog. Several have mentioned that, while they use the internet for lots of things, they are somewhat uncomfortable using it for sharing feelings. I completely understand that and know that there will be varying opinions as to how people feel.

Do you have any suggestions as to what kind of discussion or format we might use on this blog that would feel safe and therefore make it easier to participate? I want this to be what is most helpful to the majority of you, so let me know! Thanks!

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T11:22:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day, and therefore a day that we are expected to be a little more sensitive and romantic than we might usually be. Some view it as purely a commercial plot to get us to spend money on frivolous things like flowers (that die in few days), chocolates (that don't help anyone's waistline), or jewelry (that we can't afford).

Regardless of your feelings, if you have had a recent loss, be especially mindful of reaching out to your partner in an even more special way today. If money is tight, just commit to taking time away from the weekend chores and sitting with her to talk. If that sounds depressing because you both have been sad (or she, especially, has been sad), maybe make an agreement that for today you aren't going to talk only about the baby and the pain you've experienced with your loss. Instead, make a deal that today's conversation will be only to talk about the things you each fell in love with when you first met and all those things that made you want to grow as a couple and eventually have a child together.

If your relationship has been tense because you seem to be in different spots and you aren't feeling like you understand each other anymore, today would be a good day to start an honest dialogue about why you might act the way you do (which is quite often -- especially for men -- a very different thing than how you really feel), and your gift to each other is to explain that -- even if you think it should be obvious or that SURELY they must really understand. My bet is that there are some very wrong perceptions being carried with the both of you, and a simple walk together, sharing a chair by the fireplace, or going for coffee or a glass of wine, will go a long way in clearing some things up.

Give it some thought. I'm guessing it would be a very wise investment on this day we are especially reminded of romance and love. Good luck.

PS: If you read this and the day has passed or it didn't go as well as you wish it would have, there is nothing to say that you can't create your own Valentine's Day tomorrow or next week. And the beauty of that is that the chocolates will be half priced and the restaurants won't be as crowded!

What has been the most difficult issue you've faced since your baby died?

2009-02-07T14:43:00.000-06:00

I would like to hear from you what issue has been the most difficult since your loss.

Is it communicating with your partner?

Is it your anger -- at your partner, caregiver, or God, etc.?

Is it the resulting behaviors of your grief, like drinking too much, isolating yourself, or seeking gratification outside your marriage?

Is it trying to be productive at work?

Is it regaining your sex life?

Let's talk about some of these issues and hopefully find some things that will be helpful in resolving them.

Grief In The Workplace

2009-02-06T10:08:00.000-06:00

One of the things I hear from dads most often is that their return to the workplace was awkward and sometimes even painful because of the way they were treated by co-workers and managers. I would like to get a discussion going as to how men handled this experience and what they did to make it through.

Welcome

2009-01-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks for visiting my new blog. My hope is that we can use this space to talk about some of the issues that fathers face following a pregnancy loss or the death of a baby.

My wife and I experienced a full-term stillbirth 25 years ago, and it was an event that changed my life forever. At the time, I could not fathom how anything positive could come as a result of the pain I was experiencing. But over time I was better able to be open to discovering the gifts my daughter's short life brought me. Eventually I discovered ways that worked for me to express my grief, and by doing that, I learned much about myself, my relationships, and what was important to me.

My "therapy" happened to be writing. I guess that makes sense since I was a journalism minor in college and had been a writer and editor for both my high school and college newspapers. As a matter of fact, at the time of Kathleen's death, I co-owned a small publishing company in St. Paul, Minnesota, and we were the publishers of a community newspaper. Because infant loss was rarely discussed openly in the 1980s, I decided to write a feature article for our newspaper about the experience of being a young father whose baby died before birth. That article became the seed for future pieces that I would write on this topic.

Over the years I have written a couple of help booklets for dads and recently completed a book with Sherokee Ilse, author of Empty Arms and Miscarriage A Shattered Dream, on the topic of couple communication following the death of a baby. I have also spoken at both national and international bereavement conferences -- learning far more from the fathers I've talked to on those occasions than I ever taught them.

So.... that really is the purpose of this blog. To continue to learn and discover by getting to know more dads and sharing our varied experiences, triumphs and tragedies. Each time I develop a friendship with someone as a result of my work on this issue, I thank Kathleen one more time for making my life richer and more fulfilling. As a parent, I don't think there is anything more we could ask of our children.

I look forward to hearing from you!